The 'X' Factor

I’ve often wondered how it would have been had I not gone through all that at all. All that which made me cry, all that which made me miserable and all that which I didn’t want to undergo and thought could never overcome. The storm that I never imagined would pass every time it struck. The invisible scars that stayed ever so long.
But it is the survival instinct in a human per se that triumphs over all of it. The basic raw disposition of the human mind and heart alike. The itch to move on and feel happy again. Amidst the ocean wide vastness of the miseries, there is always laying a float somewhere. Hidden in the turbulent water or the calm of the sea. It is always there. Something that eggs u on. On towards greater and larger things.
To learn that life is not as difficult as we perceive it to be. It is as simple as an algebra problem. You only have to practice to solve it correctly. And then you reach a solution. The value of ‘x’ is then revealed. The value of ‘x’ that gives you the perfect equation. The value, the worth of an unknown variable. The unknown variable which is the ray of hope, the itch that eggs you on, the float amidst the ocean.
Optimism.
And then I realized, if I wouldn’t have gone through all that, I wouldn’t be me at all.

When WE got Preggers

It’s the most natural process of all. Birth. In humans and animals alike. The emotional quotient might just be higher when it comes to humans. Apart from all of that, I doubt any woman could forget the entire process of the transformation. The growth of the foetus to a baby.
And who else could ask for a similar experience at the age of 20, not married, but happily pregnant single girls, making the baby. Making it together. All 3 of them.
Making the baby, needs planning. Planned it was. No co-incidence. Like you just know that you want to have a baby with this person. And all of us wanted the baby. Together and as one can put it, with the same man.
With a lot of efforts, withdrawal symptoms and research. And then it we realized it was there. Right there. In its nascent form. All of it then began. As the memorandum was nurtured, from the beginning. Just like you would with a baby in the belly. With seniors and well-wishers telling you what to do what not to do. With the utmost care, to not miscarry it. You guard it, protect it. More than your dear life. That’s how much you give in to the process. As it grows. Part by part, to form a whole. The anticipation. The wait.
Once that ordeal is over, you wait for the water to break. And it breaks. In the preliminary round, without the slightest warning. Unexpectedly. Then start the labour pains. It pains and how! Six rounds everyday, 48 hours of labour and eventually at the end of the second day you are relieved of the pain. To experience joy, mirth and that twinkle in your eye as you behold its beauty. The gleaming sparkle, to watch your reflection in it, rugged but beautiful as you touch it. You are proud, happy, overjoyed. Filled up to the brim with emotions. One chokes, other dances and another is speechless. As each of them hold it. The Baby. Our Baby. The Trophy.
And this is how we got preggers and made the baby. With? Sir Henry.
I don’t know how many people will relate to it. I hope the other 2 women involved with me do. That is what happens, this is how you feel when you see your efforts culminate into something. Something that was important to you has borne some result.
What can I say? Perhaps I’m Mad. But as Sandor says, I have Imagination. –Gallowglass, Barbara Vine.

To the Us that Never Was

What does one do? When you realize that you lived a lie? A make believe life that you lead. Not for a day. Not for a week. Not for a month. But, one whole year.
As the mirage breaks and you finally see beyond what YOU felt was the reality. That the way you felt, the way you reacted to all his actions was nothing but an illusion. That, you made a mistake when, even for the remotest moment you wished it should have worked out. Because if you would have, it would still be the illusion you were made to live in. The reality that never was. The Us, that never even existed. And this is when the beauty shatters. When there is remorse as well as regret. When there is someone to blame and it’s not you. It did not fall apart for no reason. And you can no longer smile when you think about it. Because all you are left with is the fallacy of the entire situation. All the exceptions made were not even worth anything.
Someone told me, You will get over it when you are glad that it happened. So here I am. Glad that there no longer is a We. Not just trying to get over it, but actually doing it. Because It was never worth sticking to. Believing in the efforts that someone put, not to make me happy, but to convince themselves to go along with the lie. Making exceptions, putting all those efforts and loving more than I let out. Looking beyond the stupidity, the things that people said and most importantly beyond my instincts. The fact that I had given in too much to take back. All blown away. Ironically, not even blown away, because nothing even existed.
It is like you chose between Chocolate and Vanilla ice cream. You decide that you want Chocolate, eat it half way and realize that you always preferred Vanilla. That the Chocolate ice cream was never what you liked. But isn’t it that when you make a choice you stand by it? If you did choose the chocolate ice cream, wouldn’t you finish it off? Rather than just letting it melt away in the dump? When you are not sure, why make the choice? Give someone the upper edge and then just cut them off?
Irrelevant questions as they become. They will never get answered. Ever. And that’s when I realized. We could neither grow nor fade. Because we always were stagnant. Just that I did not know that before and you always did. That’s where it hurt. The moments now washed away. The moments that were spurious.

To Us

What goes around, comes around.
Delhi. It started here. I'm here again. Tonight.
I'm trying. Getting over it.

Sometimes, it just falls apart. When there's no one to blame. As the feeling still floats in the air. The ache. Without the remorse, the regret.You just throw it all away.
As the wounds heal themselves with time, you often wonder, how it was, why it was. How could we have brought it to an end?
As you reminisce, you realize the beauty of it all. You might just regret feeling the way you did, but the splendor is undeniable. Something that intense and pure. And you still smile when you think about it. Smile, for the efforts made, the tears shed, the love you shared and the joy it brought you. It isn't an illusion. the reality of it. All in one. The exceptions we made. The fact that I was willing to make one more. The fact that we wanted it to work. But it didn't. I miss it.
There's no Us now.
Someone once told me, you either grow from here or fade. We faded.But the moments, still remain. With me, with you...
Thank you, GD.

Still got Sand in My Shoes...

And only when you think you’ve become disconnected with your older self, you somehow inadvertently get back to the way you were. If not completely, at least the faint trace of the person you were. The insinuation, the allusion that starts showing all around you. Walking through the beach just how you get sand in your shoes and it stays there. Not completely, but the slight tickle on your foot, jabbing at you with full force. Small grains of sand but emphasizing their presence with every step you put forward. Just like your past. Haunting you to bits at one time then jabbing you at the back of your mind. It stays there. The way you were. The way you felt. The way everything was.

With reference to me being disconnected with my past self. The younger me.

The day starts with completely mad shorts. Seeing Gauri at R.A.Podar. Then having lunch at the clinic just like the junior college days 2 years ago. Waiting at the bus stop for 213 so we could travel together. Walking on the abandoned tracks in rains with the planes flying over head. The harbor line travel. The stench of the local. The whiff of air on the footboard of the train. Returning back to something I left behind incomplete 2 years ago. The snip on the hair that looked like the 2 year ago me. And well.. the lip gloss on the pout.

I guess some things never fail to remind you that no matter how far you go, no matter how long it has been you always feel the same way in certain situations. The way you react and reciprocate is the same the way you did before. It makes you realize that no matter how much you change, inherently you just remain the way you were. Something somewhere will always play the right chord from your past and make music. And that is the jab. The thrust that is always in the back of your mind which makes its presence felt. The sand always sticking to my foot after the long walk over the beach of my life. And well what do I say? I still got sand in my shoes..

If Only..

If Only

happiness was on sale, I'd buy it.

50 kgs was a place, I'd navigate my way till there.

love was an easy thing, I wouldn't fall in it.

sex wasn't a taboo, people wouldn't enjoy it.

anything was indispensable, it was oxygen.

other people's opinion mattered, I wouldn't need my own.

nights were longer, I'd be pretty. (Id get my beauty sleep)

people cared, they'd keep in touch.

there weren't the nights, I wouldn't have appreciated the light.

anyone could predict the future, I wouldn't have to live in the present.

life was a math problem, I'd solve it.

I hadn't had an ex, I wouldn't have had a next.

I was indifferent, I wouldn't be in love.

I knew how to paint, I'd be an artist.

craziness wouldn't dwell in me, I wouldn't be random.

I wasn't bored, I wouldn't post this.

Him and Her

Him:(on Phone): Hey
Her:(on Phone): Hi, Whats up?


Her:(Scrap on Orkut): *ding dong* *ping pong* *sing a song*
Him: (Scrap on Orkut): gaata rahe mera dil
Her:(on Phone): I'll shoot myself if you sing on phone
Him:(on Phone): I cant sing to you otherwise, because of the distance.
*in a sing song manner* Billy Jean of My Love

Him:(on phone): My friends moving to Sikkim.
Her:(on Phone): Good, Sikkim is a nice place, probably you can go meet him at Sikkim.
Him:(through Yahoo Messenger) : Who the hell wants to go to Sikkim? Why the hell?
Her:(Scrap on Orkut): Peep Sheet!

Him:(through Yahoo Messenger): I love you!
Her:(on Phone): Me too!

Him:(on Phone): We're talking through 3 different mediums, we're so cool!
Her:(through Yahoo Messenger): :D I know.

Date: 21st July 2009
Time: 02.14 hours
<3 <3 <3




01.46 hours

(On Phone)
Him: Hey, I'll call you in a while.
Her: Okay.
|phone rings, Him calls back|
Him: I'm Back! Oh no, wait! Honey! I'm home!
*follows it with a MJ squeek*


04.25 hours

(On phone)
Him: Are you awake?
Her: I answered the call, MEANS I AM awake.I seem sleepy.
Him: Okay. Do you have to get to work tomorrow?
Her: Yes.
Him: Ur dazed and confused. And your dazing me out.
Her: Let me sleep.
Him: I should call tomorrow?
Her: EVIDENTLY!
*click*

|beep for a text|
Him to Her: If your awake come online.


Her: I love you.
Him: What a freaking co-incidence! I love you too!

Him: I love you.
Her: I love you too.
Him: But I love you too much.

Him: Ur so naive. Ignorant.
Her: have you heard? Ignorance is bliss?
Him: have you heard? Sex is Good?


Her: My friend asked me, am I seeing anyone.
Him: Tell him NO!
Her: Why not? I am seeing you.
Him: No. your just talking someone.
(Since Him and Her are in a 'Long Distance' relationship)


Since Its been a long time both are in love and no more in the 'Long Distance Thing'

Him: You ruined my life.
Her: I know. Loved you so much that you are in a state of shock.

Him: I love you woman.
Her: I know. Now go sleep.

Her: You know what that thing, that does that thing to you is?
Him: Yes. Lets do that thing.

Her: He got me presents.
Her Friend: Hes cheating on you.

Her: You're so filthy. Get your hands off me.
Him: Yeah. Im a dirty lil thing.

Her: I tried to punch my hair today.
Him: I'm going to punch myself for dating you.

Him: I wanna have babies with you.
Her: I know, ill add market value to them.

Her: Lets get married.
Him: What? Hang myself?

Him:I think its time.
Her: Sigh! I think so too.

Revival

Its almost close to being 2 years to my last post. yes.
Since i havent really had the urge nor the need to blog again.

But then its about time I start again.
My facebook Status Message read- I miss ME. Do you?
So the entire point to revive or start regularly blogging is a blend of me missing the way I was 2 years ago and some wild inspiration from Ms. Guneet Caur Ahuja and of course a stint with jaundice that caused me boredom to death.

So now its back to me missing myself. How often does one look back and realize that they have changed so much that they can barely recognize the way they were. Yes, I know, Change is the only Constant in Life. But then change of such vastness?

I could no longer reconnect to my old self. Mad clothes.Lip-Gloss. Random outings. Crazy People to hang out with (I still have them, though they've changed into saner beings now). Messing Around. And most importantly walking around with a I-do-not-care-a-damn attitude, (which i still do, but sometimes it just vanishes).

This is what. Retrospect and hence the Revival.

However, Something that happens just makes you connect with that old self again. The very thing that made you miss it so much.

And now when you feel that way again, you slowly go back to the old self. The self you were.
May be I could do with a regular dab of Lip-Gloss again.