To the Us that Never Was

What does one do? When you realize that you lived a lie? A make believe life that you lead. Not for a day. Not for a week. Not for a month. But, one whole year.
As the mirage breaks and you finally see beyond what YOU felt was the reality. That the way you felt, the way you reacted to all his actions was nothing but an illusion. That, you made a mistake when, even for the remotest moment you wished it should have worked out. Because if you would have, it would still be the illusion you were made to live in. The reality that never was. The Us, that never even existed. And this is when the beauty shatters. When there is remorse as well as regret. When there is someone to blame and it’s not you. It did not fall apart for no reason. And you can no longer smile when you think about it. Because all you are left with is the fallacy of the entire situation. All the exceptions made were not even worth anything.
Someone told me, You will get over it when you are glad that it happened. So here I am. Glad that there no longer is a We. Not just trying to get over it, but actually doing it. Because It was never worth sticking to. Believing in the efforts that someone put, not to make me happy, but to convince themselves to go along with the lie. Making exceptions, putting all those efforts and loving more than I let out. Looking beyond the stupidity, the things that people said and most importantly beyond my instincts. The fact that I had given in too much to take back. All blown away. Ironically, not even blown away, because nothing even existed.
It is like you chose between Chocolate and Vanilla ice cream. You decide that you want Chocolate, eat it half way and realize that you always preferred Vanilla. That the Chocolate ice cream was never what you liked. But isn’t it that when you make a choice you stand by it? If you did choose the chocolate ice cream, wouldn’t you finish it off? Rather than just letting it melt away in the dump? When you are not sure, why make the choice? Give someone the upper edge and then just cut them off?
Irrelevant questions as they become. They will never get answered. Ever. And that’s when I realized. We could neither grow nor fade. Because we always were stagnant. Just that I did not know that before and you always did. That’s where it hurt. The moments now washed away. The moments that were spurious.

To Us

What goes around, comes around.
Delhi. It started here. I'm here again. Tonight.
I'm trying. Getting over it.

Sometimes, it just falls apart. When there's no one to blame. As the feeling still floats in the air. The ache. Without the remorse, the regret.You just throw it all away.
As the wounds heal themselves with time, you often wonder, how it was, why it was. How could we have brought it to an end?
As you reminisce, you realize the beauty of it all. You might just regret feeling the way you did, but the splendor is undeniable. Something that intense and pure. And you still smile when you think about it. Smile, for the efforts made, the tears shed, the love you shared and the joy it brought you. It isn't an illusion. the reality of it. All in one. The exceptions we made. The fact that I was willing to make one more. The fact that we wanted it to work. But it didn't. I miss it.
There's no Us now.
Someone once told me, you either grow from here or fade. We faded.But the moments, still remain. With me, with you...
Thank you, GD.