Adieu

Well I thought about what you said and did some thinking of my own.

And I think, this is not what I want. This is probably what I need. To get over. To hide. To run. To escape.

Long since I’ve shut those doors and opened a window from where you could creep in. But somehow every time you rap on that window for me to let you in, I just pretend to be asleep. When you care and I pretend not to. When you hold me tight and I shy away.

I’m trying to make good. I’m trying not to spoil this. I’m trying to break open. But what with your every pull, I repulse. With every step you take towards me, I inch away. It’s like I’m bound. To something invasive. To the fear that I might hold so tight. So tight that I wouldn’t help but smother you.
Jenny loved the way he smiled. The way his nose spread when his lips parted. The warmth in his gaze that shone when he saw her every morning. All that brilliance for what? He did everything he could to make her happy. She enjoyed but was not happy. It didn’t show on her face. The glow of love just wouldn’t show in her liquid hazel eyes, or the quiver of her lip.

There was nothing that she could pin down. She kept going around in circles, washing the dishes, washing his clothes, having sex. There was not one reason that she could give herself to leave. But she knew. Just like he did. She had to leave someday.
He was even surprised they had crossed the decade. But despite being aware, he fought her, till the very end. Brought out his best to keep her satisfied, to keep her happy. He had known her long enough to know how she looked when she was in love. He had seen that then. Never for himself though. He wasn’t competing. He had already lost the battle when she had agreed. Some things just don’t work out, she had said. This one will, he said. Think about it.

She loved him. She just wasn’t sure she was in love with him. He wasn’t just in love with her, he worshiped her.

She went about in her circle; he went about in his car. That night, as he sat on the dinner table, he saw her face. The face that shone with utter radiance. And he knew, that she had made her decision. It took long, but she had realized finally. The trick wouldn’t work that long. She had to leave, she said. Leaving behind a trail of her lavender perfume, the words rung in his ears, well I thought about what you said, and did some thinking of my own.

The New Old

It was sheer joy when it began and utter despair when it ended. No, ended is not the jargon. Faded is more like it. But what can one do against the entire ‘what ought to be’ component of life? The sweet pain of the lovers and the slow death of the love.
“It ought not to be like this”, he said, in his drunken tone that she was now used to so much. “I Love You too much to let you go. I don’t want to lose you, and I wouldn’t have it otherwise.” “You won’t leave me, will you?” “Of course NOT”, she retorted irritated.
It was a routine. Him drunk, her irritated and sleepy on almost every night that they spoke. Then came the farce of being friends in their sobriety, when all he wanted deep down was to play with that lock of hair and all she wanted was be held in his arms.
It’s stupid how things just intermittently stay within you. Like sometimes they just don’t have an outlet. It was unlike the way they were structured. Neither had the courage to take the first step, knowing exactly what was on the other’s mind. The fear, not of rejection but of loss. Loss of the bond, the relationship and the silent nascent love they shared. The loss of its end. And that feeling prohibited them from granting it the tag of permanency.
“I don’t want to hide it from you anymore. It’s been a week now.” “To what?”, she chirped back. “Me and her dating”, he said with that typical boyish grin on his face.
She was happy, for him, for them. At least, me and him would last, she thought. Not for long, she realized when jealousy crept in to fill the void left out in the puzzle of emotions she felt. It fit just right. Stuck to the piece of love she held for him.
She took her cue and left. He was pre occupied to realize and egotist to accept the void that was left within him after her coy exit.
And then again, like the world happens to be in a circle, they just return back to the place they left. It’s incomplete, it’s sour and it still felt good. It was like old times again. His, her gone and her, him out. What’s left is just them, 4 years older but feeling 20 again.
The feelings are despicable and yet incorrigible when they are poured out in a flush of alcohol. But nonetheless its mutual acceptance at the time.
The morning dawns to a new them in the old phase. And within that ambiguity, the communion that occurs cannot be described.
May be the closure to it or a new beginning.

Slime

Its inevitable how messed up you are inside. It’s like slime stuck to your skin. The substance rubs off, but the stickiness still prevails. Like the feeling that just won’t leave you alone. Its might wear off after a while, but when you touch that part of your skin accidentally, intentionally, the sticky slime can still be felt. You’ll do everything to hide the slimy feeling from the world. Not let them see the grim substance stuck to you. It’s just you who knows exactly where it is, how greasy it is and how irksome it is to deal with it.
But that’s the entire point of the slime. The intelligible truth under the intelligible lie.

The 'X' Factor

I’ve often wondered how it would have been had I not gone through all that at all. All that which made me cry, all that which made me miserable and all that which I didn’t want to undergo and thought could never overcome. The storm that I never imagined would pass every time it struck. The invisible scars that stayed ever so long.
But it is the survival instinct in a human per se that triumphs over all of it. The basic raw disposition of the human mind and heart alike. The itch to move on and feel happy again. Amidst the ocean wide vastness of the miseries, there is always laying a float somewhere. Hidden in the turbulent water or the calm of the sea. It is always there. Something that eggs u on. On towards greater and larger things.
To learn that life is not as difficult as we perceive it to be. It is as simple as an algebra problem. You only have to practice to solve it correctly. And then you reach a solution. The value of ‘x’ is then revealed. The value of ‘x’ that gives you the perfect equation. The value, the worth of an unknown variable. The unknown variable which is the ray of hope, the itch that eggs you on, the float amidst the ocean.
Optimism.
And then I realized, if I wouldn’t have gone through all that, I wouldn’t be me at all.

When WE got Preggers

It’s the most natural process of all. Birth. In humans and animals alike. The emotional quotient might just be higher when it comes to humans. Apart from all of that, I doubt any woman could forget the entire process of the transformation. The growth of the foetus to a baby.
And who else could ask for a similar experience at the age of 20, not married, but happily pregnant single girls, making the baby. Making it together. All 3 of them.
Making the baby, needs planning. Planned it was. No co-incidence. Like you just know that you want to have a baby with this person. And all of us wanted the baby. Together and as one can put it, with the same man.
With a lot of efforts, withdrawal symptoms and research. And then it we realized it was there. Right there. In its nascent form. All of it then began. As the memorandum was nurtured, from the beginning. Just like you would with a baby in the belly. With seniors and well-wishers telling you what to do what not to do. With the utmost care, to not miscarry it. You guard it, protect it. More than your dear life. That’s how much you give in to the process. As it grows. Part by part, to form a whole. The anticipation. The wait.
Once that ordeal is over, you wait for the water to break. And it breaks. In the preliminary round, without the slightest warning. Unexpectedly. Then start the labour pains. It pains and how! Six rounds everyday, 48 hours of labour and eventually at the end of the second day you are relieved of the pain. To experience joy, mirth and that twinkle in your eye as you behold its beauty. The gleaming sparkle, to watch your reflection in it, rugged but beautiful as you touch it. You are proud, happy, overjoyed. Filled up to the brim with emotions. One chokes, other dances and another is speechless. As each of them hold it. The Baby. Our Baby. The Trophy.
And this is how we got preggers and made the baby. With? Sir Henry.
I don’t know how many people will relate to it. I hope the other 2 women involved with me do. That is what happens, this is how you feel when you see your efforts culminate into something. Something that was important to you has borne some result.
What can I say? Perhaps I’m Mad. But as Sandor says, I have Imagination. –Gallowglass, Barbara Vine.

To the Us that Never Was

What does one do? When you realize that you lived a lie? A make believe life that you lead. Not for a day. Not for a week. Not for a month. But, one whole year.
As the mirage breaks and you finally see beyond what YOU felt was the reality. That the way you felt, the way you reacted to all his actions was nothing but an illusion. That, you made a mistake when, even for the remotest moment you wished it should have worked out. Because if you would have, it would still be the illusion you were made to live in. The reality that never was. The Us, that never even existed. And this is when the beauty shatters. When there is remorse as well as regret. When there is someone to blame and it’s not you. It did not fall apart for no reason. And you can no longer smile when you think about it. Because all you are left with is the fallacy of the entire situation. All the exceptions made were not even worth anything.
Someone told me, You will get over it when you are glad that it happened. So here I am. Glad that there no longer is a We. Not just trying to get over it, but actually doing it. Because It was never worth sticking to. Believing in the efforts that someone put, not to make me happy, but to convince themselves to go along with the lie. Making exceptions, putting all those efforts and loving more than I let out. Looking beyond the stupidity, the things that people said and most importantly beyond my instincts. The fact that I had given in too much to take back. All blown away. Ironically, not even blown away, because nothing even existed.
It is like you chose between Chocolate and Vanilla ice cream. You decide that you want Chocolate, eat it half way and realize that you always preferred Vanilla. That the Chocolate ice cream was never what you liked. But isn’t it that when you make a choice you stand by it? If you did choose the chocolate ice cream, wouldn’t you finish it off? Rather than just letting it melt away in the dump? When you are not sure, why make the choice? Give someone the upper edge and then just cut them off?
Irrelevant questions as they become. They will never get answered. Ever. And that’s when I realized. We could neither grow nor fade. Because we always were stagnant. Just that I did not know that before and you always did. That’s where it hurt. The moments now washed away. The moments that were spurious.

To Us

What goes around, comes around.
Delhi. It started here. I'm here again. Tonight.
I'm trying. Getting over it.

Sometimes, it just falls apart. When there's no one to blame. As the feeling still floats in the air. The ache. Without the remorse, the regret.You just throw it all away.
As the wounds heal themselves with time, you often wonder, how it was, why it was. How could we have brought it to an end?
As you reminisce, you realize the beauty of it all. You might just regret feeling the way you did, but the splendor is undeniable. Something that intense and pure. And you still smile when you think about it. Smile, for the efforts made, the tears shed, the love you shared and the joy it brought you. It isn't an illusion. the reality of it. All in one. The exceptions we made. The fact that I was willing to make one more. The fact that we wanted it to work. But it didn't. I miss it.
There's no Us now.
Someone once told me, you either grow from here or fade. We faded.But the moments, still remain. With me, with you...
Thank you, GD.